I rag on my inlaws occassionally. Okay, maybe a lot, which makes my relationship with them sound like a formula sitcom. But some of the stuff they say and do is just too good (or bad) to not be documents.
So, here we have, unedited, my inlaws:
"I didn't lose it. I just don't remember where I put it. There's a difference." --Mother in Law
"You make GODDAM SURE SHE GETS THERE ON TIME." --Father-in-Law, on getting my time-challenged mother-in-law to a church music performance before it starts
"Jews!? Do you actually know any Jews!?" --Father-in-Law, wondering why I don't have a problem with Jewish people
Cauliflower ears, bunions, yellow teeth, fat ass --Both my in-laws, various comments on my wife's appearance
"$20,000!? Why would anyone pay more than $50 for a Web site?" --Father-in-law, who paid $50 to have a local kid design and program his business Web site. It looks like it cost every bit of $50.
"I paid $17,000 to send my staff to the Bahamas for a 'company' meeting." --Farther-in-law boasting on his company's travel budget. See above for his opinion of Web sites, which also applies to his view of advertising and PR, which is what I do for a living.
"Don't let Jeff drive it." Father-in-law's instructions to my wife after supplying her with a nice "company" car. After I wondered aloud why my wife was allowed to drive my own car, the directive changed to, well, family members weren't allowed to drive cars driven by company employees. Plus, there were "insurance issues" that prevented me from driving it. I checked with my insurance company, and they said I'm covered on ANY car I drive under my OWN policy.
"Don't tell Jeff about this." Mother-in-law, when she gives my wife a couple of Benjamins at the end of a family visit.
"Nobody's going to ruin this day. Not even you, Mary." Father-in-law to my wife, when my suggested she was hungry and wanted to eat before the Official Family Celebration at the Private Club to celebrate my brother-in-law graduating from medical school. We wound up going to McDonalds, and it's a good thing we did, because the Official Family Celebration started late. See above reference of my mother-in-law's challenges with time.
"I apologize...but I don't." --Father-in-law to my wife, acknowledging his difficult ways...but not.
"You're a whore." --Father-in-law to my wife upon learning we were living together. My wife was born seven months after her parents got married. You do the math.
To be editorially astute, I need to say that my inlaws do plenty of good things. But they also do/say plent of bad things.
Life is very up and down with them--not much in the middle.