;

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Sunday, April 07, 2002

Everybody's Horny Today, and It's All Because of My Wife

My wife isn't the best driver. There, I said it. And I don't mean to be sexist, because I've been in the car with plenty of men whose driving scares the bejezus out of me. But I'm not married to those men, so I don't have to spend much time in the car with them.

It's just that every time my wife drives, somebody honks at her. Sometimes we get more than one honk in an outing.

Then, there are the times when I involuntarily engage in "The Silent Claw." You know, when you claw at the air, grab a seat or door handle and brace yourself for impact. Fortunately, there's been no impact yet.

There are two factors contributing to the road horniness my wife brings out in others:
1. She's short, and sometimes has trouble seeing properly. With her last car, she had to use a booster cushion to see over the dashboard.
2. She gets focused on other things besides driving--usually talking.

I've known my wife for seven years, and she mentioned something to me yesterday I didn't know there was definitive evidence of: she's not good with directions. She knows this because she participated in some psychology experiments in college involving being blindfolded and "learning" to trace your finger through a maze. You're supposed to get better at it. She didn't. In fact, she said was close to the worst one in her class at it.

This is not a wife slam. There are plenty of things I'm not very good at:
1. Organization. I'm a packrat.
2. I have trouble doing simple math.
3. I like to talk in voices. I spent much of today talking like Carl Childers in "Sling Blade" because we were buying parts for our lawn mower, and Carl's job in the movie was fixing "lawn mowers and whatnot." Mmmm. Ah reckon.
4. I can't resist the urge to be a smartass. When store clerks ask if we need any help, I say, "No, thanks. We're just doing some stealing." And, when I pay for something with a lot of small bills, I say, "Looks like I had a good week selling drugs at the elementary school." Or "Man, who would have thought than many chicks at the bachelorette party would stuff singles in my g-string?" One time when I was on my way to a wedding, my family stopped at a Waffle House to get breakfast. The server asked why we were dressed up. I said I was on my way to another parole hearing. She believed me.

What are your weaknesses or wacky habits that get on other people's nerves?




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