Mary of halfmadspinster asked me to come with 100 things about me. So, here they are.
1. I have three dimples—the result of a skateboard accident when I was about 12.
2. I can talk like Krusty the Clown on “The Simpsons.”
3. I can pull my thumb out of joint so it looks broken.
4. My college roommate of three years committed suicide.
5. I’m about the least picky eater you’ll meet.
6. I was born in Alabama, which is where my whole family is from. We moved a lot.
7. I was engaged to someone before I met my wife. She cheated on me and dumped me. Bitch.
8. My last name is Seal.
9. As far as I can tell, one of my ancestors was a notary public and he had a “seal,” which is why we have that name.
10. We live on a street named “Otter Court.”
11. Yes, we get lots of jokes about “the Seals on Otter Court.”
12. I have bigass feet.
13. My father is a financial analyst. I got none of his math skills and once went seven years without balancing my checkbook.
14. I love pesto sauce, but my wife says it tastes like lawn trimmings.
15. My first computer was a Commodore Vic-20.
16. I mostly played Space Invaders on it.
17. I think the Three Stooges were comic geniuses.
18. Same for any Warner Brothers cartoons.
19. I have three cats.
20. I also have five fish.
21. The cats and fish ignore each other.
22. My cat beats up my wife’s cat.
23. I hated high school from the day I entered it until the day I left.
24. I loved college.
25. I majored in English and French at a liberal arts college.
26. The college tried to make us believe we would have an easy time finding jobs after graduation.
27. The college was wrong.
28. The 2000 Vice Presidential debates were held at my college.
29. I like to cook.
30. One of my summer jobs was shoveling coal at a fuel plant.
31. I was also a summer camp counselor.
32. I taught knot-tying and tower and bridge building.
33. I still like to go camping and backpacking.
34. Another summer job was delivering pizzas in the Kentucky town where Billy Ray Cyrus grew up.
35. I didn’t like that job.
36. Sometimes I brew my own beer.
37. That makes our house smell interesting.
38. I can talk like the possessed girl in “The Exorcist.”
39. I came in something like third in my high school class’s vote for funniest senior.
40. There were about 240 kids in my class.
41. Sometimes I would do standup comedy in calculus class.
42. I sucked at calculus.
43. I’ve been to traffic school twice.
44. Fear of more traffic school keeps me from speeding.
45. I once put a coworker on the mailing list for the American Communist Party.
46. He was afraid postal inspectors and the FBI would watch him.
47. When I was in college, one of my friends worked in the AV lab.
48. She put me on a mailing list for porno videos.
49. I didn’t learn how to read music until I was 21.
50. I took piano when I was 21.
51. I taught myself “Greensleeves,” but sucked at piano.
52. Sometimes my wife and I talk to each other as if I were Beavis and she were Butthead.
53. If you took a long car trip with me, you’d think I have multiple personality disorder.
54. My ear is pierced.
55. I haven’t worn an earring since about 1989.
56. I used to wear a safety pin in it.
57. A girlfriend pierced my ear using a needle, some rubbing alcohol and an ice cube in 1986.
58. I pledged a college fraternity and dropped out three days later because they turned out to be immature sadists.
59. Two years after I left college, the sororities began a streaking ritual.
60. I’m sorry I missed that.
61. I convinced my first college roommate to freebase powdered Kool-Aid.
62. He had grape snot for a long time afterward.
63. I live in Kentucky, directly across the Ohio River from Cincinnati.
64. I’m a caffeine addict.
65. If I don’t get enough caffeine early enough in the day, I get a splitting headache.
66. I have a strange ability to remember people’s middle names.
67. Like a lot of dorks out there, I’ve memorized “Monty Python” sketches.
68. I loved the show “Freaks and Geeks,” because it was so close to my own high school experience.
69. I was one of the geeks.
70. I like boiled peanuts, but you can only find them in the South.
71. I have trouble throwing things out.
72. I cheated death in a bad car wreck when I was 24.
73. I was wearing my seatbelt.
74. You should always wear yours.
75. I drink about three or four Diet Pepsis a day—on top of the coffee I have in the morning.
76. I should cut back.
77. I hate snakes—except small green ones.
78. When I was a kid, I could suck Jell-O through a straw.
79. I have all four wisdom teeth, and they’ve given me any trouble.
80. I’m more nearsighted in my right eye than my left, which makes me favor my left eye.
81. My parents are pretty functional. I can’t criticize my family much.
82. I’m an only child.
83. No, I wasn’t spoiled.
84. I was an unplanned pregnancy.
85. My parents loved me just the same.
86. I’m pretty eccentric.
87. I’m a night person.
88. I can function in the morning…with a great deal of caffeine.
89. My grandfather was a Southern Baptist minister.
90. I grew up Methodist.
91. I joined the Episcopal church in my 20s.
92. My dad has funny stories about tent revivals in his youth.
93. I catch myself saying, “I never should have eaten that” and reaching for antacids or Immodium.
94. When I was kid, I once ate cat food out of curiosity.
95. I used to carry a knife to school.
96. So did about 70 percent of the male population at my Eastern Kentucky school.
97. It was no big deal back then.
98. I’m cheap.
99. I’m easy.
100. I found it hard to come up with 100 things about me.