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Saturday, December 01, 2001

Your Sister Is Evil

I guess I'm stuck on a school theme, because here comes another story.

When I was in the sixth grade, my friend Frank and I invented our own religion. It was called "The Order of the Wombists," and it was heavily influenced by Dungeons and Dragons, "The Exorcist" and our desire to punish our enemies.

Our chief enemy was Melanie, Frank's 9-year-old sister, and her lieutenant was Mrs. Ferguson, the typing teacher who thought anyone who coughed was doing it on purpose (like in "Animal House," when the frat guys say, "Blowjob!" as they cough). Frank had a bad cold that year and spent a lot of time in the office because of it.

The Wombist tools in battling evil consisted of several items:
1. The Wombas, which were clay figures Frank made in art class. He hollowed out little digestive systems for them so you cut put one on a clay toilet, insert a clay ball in its mouth and hear it the ball plink into the toilet.
2. Womblish, our laguage. We only got around to creating three words: Ium Kay Si, which meant, "Melanie Be Gone."
3. Our sacred number, nine and a half.

Other people were added to our list of Melanie enemies, including a kid named Keith. I can't remember what he did wrong, but we spent a lot of time drawing pictures of him driving complicated cars powered by his own farts.

We then declared Keith had neutron-bomb-like farts that killed humans but left buildings standing. Only one man had ever survived a Keith nano fart (one billionth of a normal Keith fart). That guy was was a former Mr. Universe, but now his most strenuous activity was lifting paperbacks.

I started work on a Wombist illuminated manuscript, but my handwriting is terrible and the felt-tips pens I used bled through the paper.

Our Wombist activities evolved into other hobbies, such as making Womba Juice (hard cider) in the refrigerator. (Actually, it was a two-stage process: fermentation on the water heater and clarification/aging in the refrigerator). The end result was like either paint thinner or darned good hootch, and there was only a two day different between the two.

Frank went on to study music in college so he could live his dream of drumming with the tribes in Africa. But his dream didn't pay the bills, so he got a degree in computer science.






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