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Friday, November 16, 2001

Kindergarten Gestapo

My wife teaches an all-day kindergarten class. It seems that yesterday there was a "biting incident."

The victim reported his injury to my wife, who launched an investigation. The investigation involved "separate interviews" with the suspects at the table. They all ratted on the perpetrator.

My wife presented the perpetrator with the evidence, and the kid gave a full confession of her crime.

My wife then claimed she'd never had a one student bite another, and she'd need some time to think about an appropriate response.

That's not true, though. Bitings happen a lot, but "the time to think" line is a tactic deliberately designed to make the kid worry and act right (at least for a while) in hopes of a more lenient sentence.

Other recent classroom crimes involve:

Fencing with pencils
Unapproved attempts at cosmetology on other students
Making fart noises with an armpit
Illegal use of toilet stalls (namely, swinging from them as if they were monkey bars)
Using a belt as a bullwhip
Chair diving
Barking like a dog

My wife gives reports these to me as if they were, well, real crimes. Seeing as the kids are only 5 years old, it's pretty funny stuff, though, but I have to keep a straight face.

Fortunately, I work in a career (PR and writing) where enjoying a good bark or chicken cluck is par for the course.




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