Q: Where do babies come from?
A: I have a book that explains that. No, Beavis, it's not a "pop-up book."
Q: Why do bad things happen to good people?
A: It's funnier that way.
Q: What’s in your head?
A: It’s mostly shit—usually dog shit. It provides a nice fertilizer for my hair.
As far as what’s on my mind, well, that’s a different matter. My mind is pretty much filled trying to remember all my Personal Identification Numbers. There’s hardly room in there for important things, like limericks. "I saw Polly in a porny with a pony, and..." See? I can't remember the rest.
Q: You like Merchant Ivory films, cats, MGM musicals, cooking and you’re not gay?
A: Gays won’t have me. I’m not neat enough, and I can’t dance.
Q: Are you married?
A: Yes. As long as she doesn’t remember the kidnapping, brainwashing and subsequent lobotomy. It helps that the regular hypnosis sessions convince her I look like Fabio, only hunkier.
Q: What's with the name "That Really Chaps My Ass"?
A: My benefactor, the host of ferocious things, chose that name. Seems that a long time ago, I mentioned to her that something chapped my ass. She suggested I try some "ass chapstick."